And just because I find rape disgusting, and have never had that impulse, doesn’t mean I can make a leap into the minds of women and dismiss how they feel day to day, moment to moment, in ways both blatant and subtle, from other men, and the way the media represents the world they live in, and from what they hear in songs, see in movies, and witness onstage in a comedy club.
There is a collective consciousness that can detect the presence (and approach) of something good or bad, in society or the world, before any hard “evidence” exists. It’s happening now with the concept of “rape culture.” Which, by the way, isn’t a concept. It’s a reality. I’m just not the one who’s going to bring it into focus. But I’ve read enough viewpoints, and spoken to enough of my female friends (comedians and non-comedians) to know it isn’t some vaporous hysteria, some false meme or convenient catchphrase.
PIONEERS PRESS ZINE OF THE DAY!
Learning Good Consent
by Cindy Crabb
Curated by Doris editor Cindy Crabb, Learning Good Consent looks at the culture of sexual consent from a standpoint both sexy and educational. Over the course of 46 pages, Cindy and friends create a well-rounded consent workshop, with all sites set on healing and helping. In a world of shady abusers, demonized victims, and one-sided dating rituals, Consent has your back. As says Cindy in the zine’s intro, “Talking about our experiences with consent, our struggles, our mistakes and how we’ve learned, these are part of a much larger revolutionary struggle.”
(Note: This edition of the zine was published by Cindy, NOT by Microcosm Publishing.)
Things that are creepy:
- Persistence after someone has said NO or STOP, or has made it clear they are not interested in your advances
- Invalidating someone’s “no”
- Only stopping your advances when somebody informs you they are taken (you are telling this person their “no” alone is not enough, which means you do not respect them)
- Asking “why” when somebody rejects your advances
- Asking “why not” when somebody refuses to give you their phone number
(via rapeculturerealities)
Our Chili’s Give Back Night is TOMORROW! You should definitely come see us if you’re in the Knoxville area! You can go to our website for more info and to download and print the flyer!
Talk to both your daughter and son about consent.
(Source: hyperphagia)
During the time that we have been members of the tumblr community we have seen you all band together to change people’s lives in big and small ways. You’ve helped someone get a fluffy chicken and you’ve donated to make sure people you’ve never even met don’t become homeless or can get the medical care they need. You’ve created movements and petitions, made phone calls and written letters to fight injustice and bring light to issues that the rest of the world seems to be ignoring. We have been so happy to be part of a community that has done so much, and now we need your help.
With less and less funding coming from the federal and state governments to support organizations like ours we have been struggling like many other Rape Crisis Centers, however it’s gotten a lot worse for us in recent weeks. Sexual Assault Center of East Tennessee’s recent grant losses and budgetary strains have combined into a financial crisis. Although we have made every effort to conserve money and have cut back in every conceivable area we are still unable to meet some of our financial obligations and keep up with operating costs. If this continues we will close.
We are calling on anyone who supports our mission to help us in any way they can. We have served rape and sexual violence victims, survivors and their families in East Tennessee for forty years, we are the second longest running rape crisis center in the nation, and our goal is to continue on for forty more. With your help we can. SACET serves 15 counties in East Tennessee, we never have and never will charge survivors or their loved ones for our services.
We are seeking donations both large and small and we want you to know that 90% of any donation we receive goes to direct client services which include nursing care, legal and personal advocacy, therapy, and community education. The other 10% helps up fulfill administrative operating costs.
As always we are deeply grateful for the support of our community and the individuals who share in and support our mission to help victims heal from and bring an end to sexual violence.We don’t have a lot of followers on tumblr but those we do have are a truly amazing group. We know not all of you can afford to donate and would never ask you to stretch your own finances thin for us, but please spread the word if you can.
You can donate on our website here, call 867-558-9040 to donate over the phone, or by check to SACET 6215 kingston Pike, Suie A, Knoxville TN, 37919.
THANK YOU!!
This is a great center that helps a TON of people in my area and a big chunk of surrounding areas. There is literally nothing else here to help survivors if the center can’t operate.
Thanks so much to everyone who has reblogged so far. Please keep getting the word out!
(via heavenearthandhoratio)
// The Evolution Of Catcalling (trigger warnings for sexual assault, violence, violent language abound)//
1.
- Walking home, a group of young men in a car drive by. One leans out the window. “Nice tits!” he calls. You look down and hurry on.
- You get on the train. It’s kind of crowded. The man standing next to you says “You’d be prettier if you smiled.” You flash him a quick smile, then pretend to be fascinated with your shoes. “Bitch I gave you a compliment.” He’s taller than you, and you have nowhere to go. Everyone else is fascinated with their shoes, too. You say, “Thank you.” You get off at the next stop and wait 20 minutes for another train.
- You’re walking home from the station. Some guy walking the same way you are asks for your number. You politely decline, but he wheedles you until give him a false number. “What’s the harm?” He shows up in your street the next day. You can’t be sure it was a coincidence.
- You’re telling your friend about your day. They say, “You do dress kind of nice,” like that means something. They say, “It was just a compliment.”
- You’re wearing a ratty old blazer two sizes too big. A teenaged boy, already five foot nine, asks for your name, saying he’ll Facebook you. You decline. “What’s the matter, you some kind of dyke?” He follows you down to the platform, hissing about your sexuality. You race and get on the train as the doors close, catching your sleeve. A middle-aged woman stares at you the whole way to your stop.
- Walking to the station again, a teenaged boy on a bike says, “What’s up bitch?” You don’t know him. He tells you his opinion of your genitalia. You fantasise about smashing his bike. You keep your head down and keep moving.
2.
- Walking home a bit later than usual, a car rolls up beside you. The driver asks you to get in the car. You walk a bit faster, but he’s insistent.
- You get on the train. The carriage is nearly empty. A group of young men that you remember from school get on and sit in the seats around you, trapping you in. They tell you you look nice, over and over. You say “This is my stop,” but they won’t let you leave.
- You’re walking home from the station. A man follows you. He leaves letters, presents, threats. You can’t afford to move. You might call the police.
- Your friend invites you over to watch TV and share a couple of beers. They tell you you “look nice”. You’re wearing a T-shirt and jeans. They put their hand on your thigh, stroke your stomach. You don’t know how to tell them to stop. The door is behind you. They tell you they’re just paying you a compliment.
- A bunch of drunken men approach you. You remember one of them being on the train when you wore that ratty blazer. One of them hits you and you go down. You hear “Lesbo bitch!” while the blows land.
- A boy follows you on his bike. “Where are you going?” He tells you how he would like to have sex with you. You keep your head down and keep moving, and you hope that catcalling is the worst of it.
3
- For every person that is told that their appearance
- and their preferences
- their taste
- and their activities
- define who they are, and sets their access to compassion;
- there is a predator who will take advantage of that
- and will hurt them
- rape them
- kill them
- because you’ve already taught them
- everyone
- that they are on their own
- and I think that’s fucking obscene.
For months, every morning when my daughter was in preschool, I watched her construct an elaborate castle out of blocks, colorful plastic discs, bits of rope, ribbons and feathers, only to have the same little boy gleefully destroy it within seconds of its completion.
No matter how many times he did it, his parents never swooped in BEFORE the morning’s live 3-D reenactment of “Invasion of AstroMonster.” This is what they’d say repeatedly:
“You know! Boys will be boys!”
“He’s just going through a phase!”
“He’s such a boy! He LOVES destroying things!”
“Oh my god! Girls and boys are SO different!”
“He. Just. Can’t. Help himself!”
I tried to teach my daughter how to stop this from happening. She asked him politely not to do it. We talked about some things she might do. She moved where she built. She stood in his way. She built a stronger foundation to the castle, so that, if he did get to it, she wouldn’t have to rebuild the whole thing. In the meantime, I imagine his parents thinking, “What red-blooded boy wouldn’t knock it down?”
She built a beautiful, glittery castle in a public space.
It was so tempting.
He just couldn’t control himself and, being a boy, had violent inclinations.
She had to keep her building safe.
Her consent didn’t matter. Besides, it’s not like she made a big fuss when he knocked it down. It wasn’t a “legitimate” knocking over if she didn’t throw a tantrum.
His desire — for power, destruction, control, whatever- - was understandable.
Maybe she “shouldn’t have gone to preschool” at all. OR, better if she just kept her building activities to home.
I know it’s a lurid metaphor, but I taught my daughter the preschool block precursor of don’t “get raped” and this child, Boy #1, did not learn the preschool equivalent of “don’t rape.”
Not once did his parents talk to him about invading another person’s space and claiming for his own purposes something that was not his to claim. Respect for her and her work and words was not something he was learning. How much of the boy’s behavior in coming years would be excused in these ways, be calibrated to meet these expectations and enforce the “rules” his parents kept repeating?
There was another boy who, similarly, decided to knock down her castle one day. When he did it his mother took him in hand, explained to him that it was not his to destroy, asked him how he thought my daughter felt after working so hard on her building and walked over with him so he could apologize. That probably wasn’t much fun for him, but he did not do it again.
There was a third child. He was really smart. He asked if he could knock her building down. She, beneficent ruler of all pre-circle-time castle construction, said yes… but only after she was done building it and said it was OK. They worked out a plan together and eventually he started building things with her and they would both knock the thing down with unadulterated joy. You can’t make this stuff up.
Take each of these three boys and consider what he might do when he’s older, say, at college, drunk at a party, mad at an ex-girlfriend who rebuffs him and uses words that she expects will be meaningful and respecte, “No, I don’t want to. Stop. Leave.”
The “overarching attitudinal characteristic” of abusive men is entitlement.
For months, every morning when my daughter was in preschool, I watched her construct an elaborate castle out of blocks, colorful plastic discs, bits of rope, ribbons and feathers, only to have the same little boy gleefully destroy it within seconds of its completion.
No matter how many times he did it, his parents never swooped in BEFORE the morning’s live 3-D reenactment of “Invasion of AstroMonster.” This is what they’d say repeatedly:
“You know! Boys will be boys!”
“He’s just going through a phase!”
“He’s such a boy! He LOVES destroying things!”
“Oh my god! Girls and boys are SO different!”
“He. Just. Can’t. Help himself!”
I tried to teach my daughter how to stop this from happening. She asked him politely not to do it. We talked about some things she might do. She moved where she built. She stood in his way. She built a stronger foundation to the castle, so that, if he did get to it, she wouldn’t have to rebuild the whole thing. In the meantime, I imagine his parents thinking, “What red-blooded boy wouldn’t knock it down?”
She built a beautiful, glittery castle in a public space.
It was so tempting.
He just couldn’t control himself and, being a boy, had violent inclinations.
She had to keep her building safe.
Her consent didn’t matter. Besides, it’s not like she made a big fuss when he knocked it down. It wasn’t a “legitimate” knocking over if she didn’t throw a tantrum.
His desire — for power, destruction, control, whatever- - was understandable.
Maybe she “shouldn’t have gone to preschool” at all. OR, better if she just kept her building activities to home.
I know it’s a lurid metaphor, but I taught my daughter the preschool block precursor of don’t “get raped” and this child, Boy #1, did not learn the preschool equivalent of “don’t rape.”
Not once did his parents talk to him about invading another person’s space and claiming for his own purposes something that was not his to claim. Respect for her and her work and words was not something he was learning. How much of the boy’s behavior in coming years would be excused in these ways, be calibrated to meet these expectations and enforce the “rules” his parents kept repeating?
There was another boy who, similarly, decided to knock down her castle one day. When he did it his mother took him in hand, explained to him that it was not his to destroy, asked him how he thought my daughter felt after working so hard on her building and walked over with him so he could apologize. That probably wasn’t much fun for him, but he did not do it again.
There was a third child. He was really smart. He asked if he could knock her building down. She, beneficent ruler of all pre-circle-time castle construction, said yes… but only after she was done building it and said it was OK. They worked out a plan together and eventually he started building things with her and they would both knock the thing down with unadulterated joy. You can’t make this stuff up.
Take each of these three boys and consider what he might do when he’s older, say, at college, drunk at a party, mad at an ex-girlfriend who rebuffs him and uses words that she expects will be meaningful and respecte, “No, I don’t want to. Stop. Leave.”
The “overarching attitudinal characteristic” of abusive men is entitlement.
(Source: saltandsugarsearching, via justjasper)
During the time that we have been members of the tumblr community we have seen you all band together to change people’s lives in big and small ways. You’ve helped someone get a fluffy chicken and you’ve donated to make sure people you’ve never even met don’t become homeless or can get the medical care they need. You’ve created movements and petitions, made phone calls and written letters to fight injustice and bring light to issues that the rest of the world seems to be ignoring. We have been so happy to be part of a community that has done so much, and now we need your help.
With less and less funding coming from the federal and state governments to support organizations like ours we have been struggling like many other Rape Crisis Centers, however it’s gotten a lot worse for us in recent weeks. Sexual Assault Center of East Tennessee’s recent grant losses and budgetary strains have combined into a financial crisis. Although we have made every effort to conserve money and have cut back in every conceivable area we are still unable to meet some of our financial obligations and keep up with operating costs.
We are calling on anyone who supports our mission to help us in any way they can. We have served rape and sexual violence victims, survivors and their families in East Tennessee for forty years, we are the second longest running rape crisis center in the nation, and our goal is to continue on for forty more. With your help we can. SACET serves 15 counties in East Tennessee, we never have and never will charge survivors or their loved ones for our services.
We are seeking donations both large and small and we want you to know that 90% of any donation we receive goes to direct client services which include nursing care, legal and personal advocacy, therapy, and community education. The other 10% helps up fulfill administrative operating costs.
As always we are deeply grateful for the support of our community and the individuals who share in and support our mission to help victims heal from and bring an end to sexual violence.We don’t have a lot of followers on tumblr but those we do have are a truly amazing group. We know not all of you can afford to donate and would never ask you to stretch your own finances thin for us, but please spread the word if you can.
You can donate on our website here, call 867-558-9040 to donate over the phone, or by check to SACET 6215 kingston Pike, Suie A, Knoxville TN, 37919.
THANK YOU!!
Sexual Assault Center of East TN provides compassionate free services for victims & survivors of sexual violence. Advocacy, Therapy, Education, SANE. 865-522-7273
